It might be a long day if...
The second engineer starts the tracking day by saying, "this is gonna be fun, I've never done a a tracking session with a band before" - this happens just before he erases your reference tones while he's attempting to align the 2"...
You're having a problem with the master hard drive and a studio intern thinks the best approach toward fixing it is to just reformat it, which he does without even asking anyone. Oh, but has the assistant engineer backed it up yet? Of course not... How many songs? Seven... In how many days? Four... And the studio's response? "We can book you for next week and give you a discount on the room..."
The producer spends the first 2 hours of the first tracking day on the phone in the control room trying to swap the Lincoln Town Car he has just rented for a Lexus...
You have 2 drummers show up for the same session cuz the producer forgot he called them both. Instead of sending one home, he says, "Hey, this could be cool - we'll set-up 2 kits and let you both play". Of course the studio is so small that their kick drums are bout 8 inches apart...
You arrive at the studio where you've been booked and you find a room full strangers with odd looks on their faces asking, "Can we help you?" A frantic call to the production assistant nets the question, "Ooops, did I forget to call you?" Session cancelled, your day is shot...
The radio promoter comes in to listen to a mix and asks you if you can "double the snare drum" - whatever that means.... A few minutes later, he suggests adding bagpipes to the song in order to make it a "hit". His reason? "Bagpipes are gonna be really big this year..."
The A&R director arrives to listen to a mix. Before you play the mix she says, "hold on a second" and she puts a foam earplug in her right ear while explaining, "I'm completely deaf in my left ear, and the hearing in my right ear is shot, so I have to wear an earplug." Of course, after you play her the mix, she says, "The guitars sound muddy and I can't hear the vocals very well"...
The producer comes running into the control room on a caffeine high, goes to hug you, and pours the Diet Coke he's holding into the SSL - and then he gets peeved when the console won't play back the mix...
The producer comes into a 10am session finishing off a Starbucks Quad Latte and goes directly to the fridge for a Red Bull, which he pounds in one shot. Less than 30 minutes later, he is seen finishing off a Dr. Pepper, and is asking how the coffee maker works...
You come in at 9am to set up, and the producer is already in the control room, watching the Spice Network on DirectTV and eating Krispy Kreme donuts and drinking coffee with a big grin on his face...
You go for lunch at Houston's and the producer ends up in the kitchen giving the cooks a hands-on demonstration of how he likes his salmon to be grilled - and he's actually wearing one of their aprons...
You come back from lunch, and there's a Harley parked in the tracking room, and the assistant is micing it up at the request of the artist...
The artist wants to record himself firing his 9mm in the studio into a pile of telephone books and plywood he has constructed. Of course, the recording of the 9mm sounds like a cap gun in the studio, so the artist proposes moving the entire operation out into the parking lot...
The singer is coming in to do vocals, but he's a little nervous - so he brings his buddy, who also happens to be a coke dealer. After a few 8-balls and some Jack-Black the vocals really start to take on a magical quality. Then his buddy starts banging on the glass of the vocal booth and asking what's taking so long...
The drummer loves the sound of the reverb in the men's room. "Any way I can get a few mics in there to record a small kit - it'll be great"...
While mixing an indie-rock record, the band's manager mentions how much he loves the snare drum sound on "Purple Rain" - several times...
You have to take lunch at 11am as the studio tech is breaking out a soldering iron and schematic drawings, while saying, "I should be done by the time you get back"...
The studio owner has been running a chainsaw in the control room for an hour or so, trying to carve a hole for anew air return duct before your session starts - a GAS-POWERED chainsaw! Yes, the fumes will kill you...
You complain that the room the acoustic gtr player is playing in is a little chilly, so the intern at the studio fires up a kerosene heater in the room while you are at lunch - a heater that is clearly labeled "FOR OUTDOOR USE ONLY". Yes, the fumes will kill you...
You begin the day by referencing a Peter Cetera record...
The artist begins the day by asking, "Will I be able to leave with a finished cd?"
The artist begins the day by looking around behind the console and asking you where the cd's come out...
The artist begins the day by telling you how many radio stations have already agreed to play their songs (before they have even been recorded) and how many cd's Target and Wal-Mart have already agreed to buy (before the cd has even been made)...
You come in to set-up for a session, and interns are sleeping in sleeping bags in the control room...
The artist asks for a handheld mic for his scratch vocals. You give him an SM58, and he proceeds to hold it with with his thumb and first three fingertips, leaving his pinky extended and pointed upwards....
The producer insists on counting off every song over the talkback, and the "3" of every count-off is pushed, and instead of saying "4", he goes "ta-ting", in a rally high-pitched voice...
Anyone in the session is wearing enough cologne or perfume to make open flames a concern...
The artist thinks the Nag Champa incense she's smelling is marijuana, and blows a gasket cuz she thinks everyone is getting high on her session...
The producer has just started taking high-dose Prozac the day before, and decided that evening would be a good time to begin drinking for the very first time as well... At 1pm his brain mysteriously resets and he thinks it's 10am again and that the session has just started, and that nothing has been recorded yet... Then he spends the next hour amazed at how shiny the drummer's cymbals are.
Your cartage company arrives, backs downhill to unload onto the porch at the Darkhorse Cabin, and when they open the door to the truck, your racks spill out onto the ground - having been unstrapped for the whole ride over. Oh and no apology either... Can you say "fired?"...
A masseuse is booked to come into the session, and she brings a table...
You have access to a ping-pong table, and a tournament chart is drawn up...
(as an assistant) you spend from 10am to 1pm adjusting the dimmers and focusing lights in the control room. From 2pm to 5pm you are dialing in the air temp., candle placement, incense placement, and stuffed animal and toy figures placement. At 6pm, the enginner begins mixing but at 7pm asks you to get the step ladder back out and work on the lights some more cuz it's dark out now and the mood has changed... Oh, and you only have the studio booked for one day...
You are attempting to record a very quiet, sensitive woodwind quartet, and Bone Thugz & Harmony are working in the studio next door... Later you startle their security guy in the bathroom and he draws a 9mm on you...
The lead singer in the band is a better drummer than the drummer in the band, and a better guitar player than the guitar player, and could probably outplay the bass player as well. Oh, and the lead singer's mom is paying for the project - I don't have to tell you what happens next...
The artists takes a cellphone call in the control room during the middle of the session, says "oh ok great" a few times and hangs up, and then announces with great relief to the entire room that her HIV test has come back negative...
You've been "Hey bro'd" and cut your day-rate way down to work on a big project under the premise that the artist is really trying to cut back on costs and make this new record for less money, and that everybody involved is working for less than normal pay. On day one of tracking, the artist shows up in a brand new, showroom fresh BMW, and also has 4 custom-tailored Armani suits delivered to the studio that he has just purchased up in NYC the weekend before...
Artist (on day 1 of mixing): "I recorded everything on the record myself."
Me: "What kind of mics did you use?"
Artist: "A 4033."
Me: "What else?"
Artist: "That's all I've got, just the one mic."
Me: "What kind of mic pres did you use?"
Artist: "What's a mic pre?"
Stay tuned, this business gets whackier and whackier everyday...